saturday venting

I said that I would talk about my life some, so here goes nothing.  Be prepared to be bored out of your minds. Lately Kyle has been working 50+ hour weeks, great money but not so great emotionally. I need to be able to spend time with him outside of pillow talk before we go to bed. Lately he leaves for work at about 6am and does not come home until about 6:30pm and has had to work similar hours on Saturday. Some days he goes in earlier and sometimes he has to bring work home, so even though he is home I still don’t get to spend quality time with him. He makes a point to spend time with Jude and play with him before Jude has to go to bed. Most days Kyle only gets two to three hours with him. Kyle is in charge of bed and bath time so that he knows that he will get some one on one time with our little man. Once Jude is in bed Kyle is usually so tired and worn out that he showers and is in bed by 9:00 and I’m lucky if I can have a conversation in there somewhere. When he comes home Kyle cooks dinner, my cooking skills are limited and with the exception of a few real simple things I have been told to stick to backing my sweets. If we want an edible dinner Kyle cooks or I get takeout (my version of cooking).  So ok than you say make time while playing with your son, we do. We play with him together and always sit at the dinner table together. Then you say what about Sundays. Well most Sundays my family is doing good to have us all three functioning long enough to make it to church. After church is nap time for and a little me time for mom and dad. And then Kyle tends to his yard, and then we go to dinner at my grandparents. Something we look forward to. There is something relaxing about going over there that we both love. We do family dinners with various family members three times a week. For the most part we enjoy and look forward to them. We like seeing our families and staying close. I’d be lying if I said we always look forward to them but id also be lying if I said we did not mostly enjoy them. The time to connect, dinners we don’t have to think about, time where someone else is able to pay attention to Jude, and my favorite watching Jude interact with his family and them him. I love that, it’s so great to see how one little boy can light up so many different peoples life’s.

So I know I have basically been ranting. And that compared to several people I know I have no room to complain. At least I get to see him every day and Jude knows and gets to be with him. Bye the way, power to all you who have spouses in places where you cannot be with them. I couldn’t handle it.  I personally am too emotionally dependant on my Hubbie to handle that. I need that time with him to keep my sanity.  

So to get to a point in this rant / venting; I have noticed that my depression gets worse at these times when Kyle is working lots of hours. With that my gating habits get worse. I start snacking more, eating more things that I should eat in moderation, sweets and crunchy things, drinking more pop, along with just laying around ignoring things like the laundry and other household duties.  Instead of taking Jude to the park we play in the backyard. We stay home instead of going to the gym. I need the exercise and its socialization for my only child. I don’t take him on outings when im feeling this way; I normally try to do one or two a week.  We play at home. But playing and taking care of Jude gets to be all I do. It can be real hard to get myself out of this funk. I’ve been stuck in one this last week or so, even though we took a vacation for 5 amassing days over the memorial holiday. I’m in a funk and fighting to get out of it. I need to make myself leave the house. Make myself do more than the bare minimum around the house. I need to kick myself in gear and while I know these things  I am fighting to win in making myself do them. I need do something to get past this but its hard.  If it was as simple as just do it I would. I tell myself go do it and it don’t happen. This is depression and what it does to you. I find my joy in my son and you would think he would be enough of a motivator to do more but it’s not. I’m thinking maybe a date night may help. Make myself get all pretty and such. Hoping I can get Kyle to go along with it tonight after work.  I’m going to revert to making a detailed to do list every day, this is how I have gotten through my worst days in the past so I’m hoping it will work again. I am also hoping that getting back to more rigorous exercise will help. And that if I can see some results again that will help me keep up the positive mental attitude that I have been struggling to maintain lately. I have also felt that maybe i should find a moms group/ play group to get Jude and I both some more time with other people and that that may help me. Im not sure how to find such a thing. Ill have to think on it and ask around.

I am going to say good bye to the internet for now and hello Dr who and laundry while I still got roughly an hour of Jude’s naptime to finish my housework, which is just folding. Thanks for being there internet its good to vent to a source that I know has a chance to be heard over my diary that is kept to just me. I feel as if I talked to someone. Maybe that therapist I mentioned was on to something.